My Journey to Becoming a
Becoming a radiant woman.
Well, yes, that’s what I offer to other women. That’s what I teach.
Me becoming a radiant woman?
Wow, wow, wow…
Back off a bit. Who do you think you are? It’s okay to teach, but to be a radiant woman yourself?!
Even saying “I’m a radiant woman” sends me backwards in my chair as if taken by the train at full speed.
I know about radiance and the life energy that runs through my body and brings me so much pleasure and happiness… A sense of belonging, meaning and beauty of physicality of the world.
Yes, I know that.
But to claim that I’m a radiant woman??? How dare you!
I remember working as a chartered accountant at Grant Thornton, one of the biggish accountancy firms. I’ve enjoyed the first two years because there was so much to learn and figure out. After that, I felt like I was losing myself.
My body was hurting.
A chiropractor tried to help me, but only made it worse. The muscles of my back were twisting into a knot. After one session (yes, the last one) I walked out all twisted and couldn’t stand straight. I’ve decided I needed to go for a massage and found a massage salon. Walking into the salon I had a funny feeling and the receptionist looked at me kind of amused. Being 23 years old I didn’t know the difference between a massage and a massage…
That massage didn’t help.
Going to the office every day made me feel like an animal in the cage, pacing, constrained, desperately trying to figure out what’s the point…
No, money wasn’t the point enough…
Getting married wasn’t the point enough…
I was badly trying to be happy… Only that I had no idea how to…
I didn’t want to be in my body, I wanted out, into freedom, meaning, love.
The physicality of life felt so painful and meaningless. Wouldn’t it be much better to be a dolphin?
I still don’t understand how did I get the courage to leave everything behind… to divorce, resign and leave…
I admire that young woman who got onto a plane to explore the world (well, that’s what I thought. Now I know I got onto that plane to find and explore myself.)
It wasn’t easy. My then husband (ex by then), my family and friends dropped me at the airport laughing and taking photos and went off to celebrate New Years in Taupo. I kept the brave happy face. Until they left.
At the terminal I was crying so hard, the people started to worry and ask if I need help.
I was so scared and lost, crying out the life as I knew it.
I spent first two weeks of my trip crying out the accountant out of me, the pain of my body, the pretence of who I thought I should be.
One day, lying on the floor and being hypnotised with the group of other seeking souls, my smile came back. My body said ‘Hi! I missed you! Here you are!”
Esctatic wave went through my body.
My body felt like home! I felt so happy in my own body!
My body is my home!
Of course, there were many more experience and tears and laughter and going through all past traumas and learning how to trust my body…
It still is a journey… I’m still learning…
But claiming to be a radiant woman… Well, that’s taking it a bit too far…
Or is it?